Recently I joined a class on writing fiction. As a little girl, I loved making up stories in my head. I never really knew what to do with them so I simply kept them in my head in one big never ending day dream. As the years stretched on, something happened to that carefree word-loving girl. There were events that happened to strangle out the love of creating word stories in my head.
A couple years ago, the writing dream was resurrected in my heart, but I still hadn’t quite found my place. I still hadn’t found the courage to follow the path God designed for me. About a year ago I wrote a blog post about a quiet life. I didn’t know how impactful that decision was in following God’s call would be on me. This last year has been HARD–filled with mistakes and surrenders, but I have found so much of the person God created me to be as well. It has been a hard, but life-giving kind of year.
Last week I was struggling in a big kind of way with the recurring theme in my life, the feeling that I will never belong no matter how hard I try. I have struggled with it most of my life. I was seeking God on the matter and asking why can’t I be free from this bondage? I know all the things, but why do I FEEL like I don’t belong. A song came on the radio at that moment and in it were these lyrics by the Afters:
“Well done, well done
My good and faithful one
Welcome to the place where you belong
Well done, well done
My beloved child
You have run the race and now you’re home
Welcome to the place where you belong”
It just hit me, I may never feel like I belong here, I may always feel odd and out of place, but that doesn’t mean I don’t belong. I belong in Heavenly places. Maybe I don’t feel like I belong because I keep trying to belong in wrong ways. Maybe when I let all the things in my little girl heart die I began down a path of trying to belong in ways I was never designed to belong in. When I follow my own logic or try to live based on what others think I should do (real or imagined) I always feel out of place. When I am courageous enough to follow Gods ways I find life and freedom here on earth (even if I still feel like I don’t fit in) while also remembering I belong in Heavenly places. Ephesians 2 came to mind. It talks about we are raised up with Christ in Heavenly places. It says we are His workmanship, created for good works. It was such a huge reassurance that God wants me to keep walking in the paths He is asking me to walk in regardless if I feel I belong, knowing I belong to Him. He doesn’t ask me to fit in, He asks me to be faithful and let Him work with me, like a Masterpiece. Then enjoy the life He created for me. I miss that delight when I am constantly trying to shove it aside in “better pursuits”.
Side note–I was reading the Masterpiece by Francine Rivers during this time too, it is GOOD!
The more I step out in faith where God is leading me the more freedom I experience. In times past, I never fully stepped into the path God had for me. I either added things and went down a bunny trail, or I held back in fear of surrender. I guarded my heart that had been hurt as a little girl. I didn’t want to let my guard down because if I did, I worried I would find those dreams I had as a little girl truly are worthless. It felt safer to do the appropriate things, the things that looked important than risk stepping out in dreams that I have kept so guarded and buried for so long.
God can use us no matter what we add or try to hold back on from Hs perfect plan for us. His purpose will be accomplished, but I believe there is so much more power in following Him courageously– how He made each on of us over logic. I may never see the results of following this path, but I have faith. God is in charge of the results not me. I believe He designed me to love art and words and He will use that. I don’t have to force myself to do things I wasn’t created to to try to belong.
As I sat in my newly joined fiction writing class on Saturday, I was guided in laying out a timeline of my life. As I did, I saw a theme emerge. By cultures standards most of my life, I haven’t “belonged.” As an unintended result, I spent so much time trying to belong. We all want to belong. The words of that song came back into my head as the picture God has been painting became again so clear. I can stop trying to belong here on earth because I belong in Heaven.
Since I had been thinking on the theme of belonging and being a Masterpiece lately, I grabbed Heather Holleman’s book Seated with Christ from my book shelf again. I read it about two years ago. I thumbed through it and the page dropped open to this quote I had underlined: “I’m seated. I have a place at the greatest table the world has ever known. I belong.” I even CIRCLED I belong. Why did it not sink in two years ago? Why did I have to struggle two more years? Perhaps it was fear of surrender. Perhaps I simply didn’t believe it. I wanted to believe it, but I had to experience a few more things in life to fully know it. While I was trying to belong on my own, God was patiently working specific details in my life to open my eyes fully.
I think many things play into finally believing something our hearts desperately want to believe. However, I can’t help but think the biggest thing is having courage enough to follow the path God has for you, undivided. I think of the story of Eli and Hannah in 1 Samual 1-2. As I read that story recently, I saw it in a new way. Hannah needed to know she mattered to God alone. She was provoked by her husbands other wife continually. Her husband asks her why he isn’t enough. Why she wanted a son so bad, wasn’t he worth more than many sons? She belonged to him, but she needed to KNOW she belonged to God. As she was praying, Eli thought she was drunk and judged her. Again, she looked crazy, but she wasn’t concerned what people thought, she NEEDED to know what God thought. After she was blessed with Samuel, she fully gave him to the Lord like she had promised. Not only did she give Samuel up, she praised God. In the second chapter Eli is approached and told, the Lord clearly told you what to do, why do you honor your sons more that the Lord?
These two stories jumped out at me in a big way. Hannah had an undivided heart, all for the Lord. Eli’s heart was divided. Hannah needed to know she mattered to God, regardless of what others thought. Eli looked like he was doing a good work being a priest, but his heart was divided between God and his sons. It convicted me, I need to stop worrying about belonging here is and instead have a heart only for God, following the things I know He is asking me to do. I don’t have to know what the results will be but, I can simply walk in faith.
Jesus died to make us alive, to raise us up to heavenly places, to remind us we are no longer pilgrims and strangers. He died so we can courageously follow the good works HE planned for us. We can walk in them boldly knowing that God will use it, even if we don’t see how. We are His Masterpiece, a workmanship, let Him mold you.
You belong to Him.
So be bold my friend. Step out in the paths He is gently, patiently calling you to. With each scary surrender to Him, you will find more freedom and begin to believe more and more just how much you belong.
