I was apathetic. Feeling apathetic is the worst feeling for me personally. I am a person who feels deeply. My emotions range from very excited to very down–not often in between. I have spent many moments wishing I was less intense. However, I am learning it isn’t my feelings that necessarily need to change, it is the way I respond to and deal with those feelings.
I am not surprised with the intense feelings, its the apathetic feelings that catch me off guard and concern me. We are currently right in the middle of a move. We have been tossing around the idea of moving to the country for quite awhile. Then the perfect opportunity came our way. We dove into the process of buying a house and selling ours. In the lapse of two weeks we signed papers to purchase a new house followed shortly by signing papers to sell our current house.
It was two weeks of anxiety, fear, excitement, and exhaustion all wrapped up in one large package. Those weeks were jam packed with fixing things up around the house, decluttering, and lots of showings. So. Many. Showings.
The Monday after we signed the papers to sell our house my adrenaline high crashed. You would think since I am such an intense feeler I would feel elated. I was apathetic. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Nothing excited me. I had so many things I could do but I had no motivation to do any of them. Instead it seemed I anxiously and apathetically wandered around not really doing anything at all.
Apathy. I hate it.
I kept going through the motions and filling my days with things I needed to get done, yet I did none of it well. Then I had a day without my kids. I began my time doing things that needed done. Then at some point I restlessly sat down and picked up a good book. I proceeded to sit in that chair for a couple hours until I turned the last page in that book. I knew I should be doing something else. There were many things that needed to be done, yet there I sat like I was glued in.
After that last page was turned I realized something. By doing an activity that fed my soul, apathy had significantly diminished. I felt filled again, energized again. I had a chance to breathe again. To do something that filled me with life, not something I had to do simply because it needed done. I was so drained by all the things that had to be done, what truly needed done was soul filling, not productivity. By spending time filling my soul with something life-giving, I was able to return to a more productive state with the things that needed to get done.
We all know it. We know we need to care for ourselves in ways that fill us and energize us. Yet so often that thing feels so wasteful. Especially when there are a million things pressing down on us that actually have to be done. It can feel so wasteful to sit down and spend a couple hours pouring into dry parched souls. And by dry parched souls, I am not talking spiritually, I am talking about lacking in the thing that makes our heart sing.
We often neglect that because it feels selfish. But it isn’t selfish to pour into ourself when it lights us up again. In-fact, it isn’t negotiable. It needs to be on our “this HAS to be done list.” I am beginning to see, it is actually selfish to ignore our dry, apathetic souls in the name of doing things that have to be done.
With that being said, to fill up, we need to find that thing that will fill us. Not something we think we should like. No, we need to spend time figuring out what actually will energize us. And often, it may change. The trick isn’t finding one thing that will work forever. No the trick is tuning in to the spirit and asking Him, what does my soul need today? Then we need to follow that thing– even if it seems silly.
Today, I didn’t think I needed to “waste” my time reading a fiction book. But because I had been praying that week God would give me wisdom to see what I needed to do each day, the Holy Spirit had me glued in that chair. He knew it is exactly what I needed to replenish my dry well.
Do you often ignore your soul cry for a much needed replenishment? Take a baby step today by simply asking God to reveal to you exactly what you need to fill back up. If you have no clue, patiently walk with Him as He will gradually show you exactly where you will find rest and delight. Remember, it is not selfish to fill ourselves up. When we fill ourselves up, we can pour out on others. When we are bone dry, we can go through the motions, but we wont truly be pouring out. Sometimes the most productive thing we can do is replenish our dry souls.
