I really like to be comfortable. Infact my mind is always trying to come up with ways to make me more comfortable.
My house is cluttered. Fix it.
My kids are acting out. Fix them.
My husband is stressed from work. Fix him.
It’s like in my mind, if I fix enough things, I will be forever comfortable. I believe the lie that the things I’m called to should run smoothly. If they don’t I need to fix them. That’s not only a mirage it’s also unhealthy for my soul. I’m learning the hard way– like any good lesson–that the hard parts of the things I’m called to aren’t necessarily things I can’t handle. These hard elements may be exactly what my soul needs.
The past few weeks have been rough. I love homeschooling but honestly there are still periods of time where feelings of doubt and discouragement seize my heart. These times can leave me crying out to God saying I feel like I can’t do this, why do you think I can?
Then my husband got promoted. You would think I would be happy about this. In many ways yes, but at this specific moment it completely overwhelmed my already overwhelmed soul. We had come to a place of comfort at his job. His department was great, after years of fighting for it, it was good. Now he’s in charge of fixing more problems.
Not comfortable.
It happened quickly without much time to process, which also is incredibly uncomfortable for me. Then he told me he would need to work a half hour later each night for some time.
I broke down and cried. Like a crazy person.
A half hour. One would think one could handle a measly half hour. Yet my hunger for comfort was starving. It was demanding to be fed. It said I can’t handle one more uncomfortable thing. Between him working more in a position with more stress and me already feeling smothered by my role at home that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I wanted to fly away like David says in Psalm 55:6. Yet at the same time I’m learning running doesn’t solve anything, wherever we run to (physically or mentally) it doesn’t solve our problems. There is hard all around us in different forms. That moment you realize running won’t help and staying feels overwhelming it’s easy to feel smashed, suffocated, maybe a bit hopeless.
But God doesn’t leave us floundering, He always rescues just when we think we may be un-rescuable. His grace pulled me through and his love showed me truth.
He showed me temporary comfort is not the end goal, becoming Christlike is. Comfort will not grow me, conflict will. As long as I think discomfort is the enemy I will feel like I’m suffocating, I will try to run. But when I begin to see the struggle as sanctification–the sandpaper to my sharp edges–I will begin to see the things I think I can’t do…not only are exactly what God is gently walking me through, they are also the shaping of my soul.
When I have faith and take His hand, He is faithful to walk through the messy middle with me. It’s the messy middle where I want to give up, where I frantically search for comfort. But it’s also the messy middle that forms me into a better, more Christ-like person.
The ironic thing is when I do this—push through the circumstantial discomfort trusting in Gods plan, on the other side of messy I experience a deep soul comfort. But it only comes through faith to keep going through the messy. It’s a deep peace, born of saying yes to and persevering through sanctifying discomfit. It’s not a comfort that is felt right away, it’s one that is felt after faith has been exercised. In the end it’s a much better comfort than the comfort I so quickly strive for.
