I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It erupted out of me like the water had erupted out of that make shift “experiment” tube the girls had used in quiet time. The girls tears added to the puddles around me as a loud, shrill, crazy lady scream exploded out of me. I was saying things I shouldn’t be saying in octaves that should never have been hit.
It’s funny how something so little can set one over the edge. I mean come on… it was spilled water, nothing to scream over. Expect I had told them numerous times the two rules of quiet time– 1) no interacting, stay in your own rooms 2) no playing with water.
What were they doing? Both.
It wasn’t the water and spill that sent me into a crazed mom monster fit, it was the hurt deep inside that burst. The hurt that says “no one values you.” That little voice had been pounding in my mind, small barely audible at first. It reminded me of this core fear in tiny things I was able to overlook. But with each tiny thing I tried to overlook the pounding got louder. It told me that if my kids valued me, they wouldn’t try to step over every boundary I set. If I was a good mom I would know how to handle all the situations. If I was a good mom I would be more lenient, I would be more strict. I would be able to do more, I would be content with less. If I was a good mom, I would be able to reach all the unrealistic expectations I place on myself.
At the root of it all, I expect myself to be all things to all people. I would be perfect.
As people we were created for a perfect environment, but after the fall we lost something. We lost perfection. We lost the environment of perfect, but the desire for it is still etched in our hearts. It is a deep, painful etching I wish were eliminated. Why did God have to put within each of us that yearning? I mean why couldn’t we truly be fine with the the brokenness all around if that will never be a reality before Christ returns again?
He didn’t leave this painful scar to be mean. No He left it because we are going to a perfect place. If we weren’t headed back to perfection, there would be no need for the longing. We came from perfection and are heading to perfection, but we are currently living in the in-between. We have to learn how to live amongst brokenness. We have to stop trying to find perfection here, to be perfection, to expect perfection from others. Instead we need to point to perfection. Oh we all know this, but how many of us live it?
At the end of my rant, through tears, my daughter quietly asked, “why do we have to experience things like this?” My already broken heart broke even more, but in a good way. The hardness broke into softness. I scooped her up and held her close. I whispered against her forehead, “I don’t know honey. Sometimes the only way we can learn is to feel pain I guess. Our stubbornness and pride get in the way and it has to be broken.”
“I don’t want pride” she whispered.
“Me either.”
I had blown it, but I knew I could try to redeem it too. I looked at her and said “this life hurts, but one day, we wont have to experience this pain anymore. I am not perfect, and you are not perfect, but in heaven we will be perfect. God is perfect. Don’t ever compare God to man. I have spent too much of my life doing that. He wont ever let you down like mommy just did. Hang onto that hope.”
I hate brokenness and pain, but God is working all things out for good. Instead of placing such high expectations on ourselves, others, and this life, I think the real goal is to model the cycle of redemption. Brokenness paves a path for healing. Instead of running from brokenness, what if I cooperated with its work? What if I truly believed God is working my failures out for His good? What if instead of marking another tally on the “bad mom moments” I began a tally of God’s goodness despite my brokenness? I think it would lift a-lot of condemnation and confusion off my chest leaving my free to breath deeply in His grace and goodness. It would clear a-lot of clutter from my mind giving me a clearer focus on moments to redeem instead of condemn.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
3 who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
13 As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
14 For he knows our frame;[a]
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:2-5, 10-14
Thank you for putting into words what we all experience and reminding us how we need to let what we consider our falling short moments bring us closer to our God.
Yes! It is so easy to see them as failures, but that heaps shame on us getting us nowhere. Redemption brings hope <3
So good Darcy! Thank you for this 💜
I am glad it was an encouragement. <3