Just because we are a victors in Christ doesn’t mean the struggle is over. I cling to this thought that one day life may not be as messy as it is now. Then I wake to the reality that we live in the messy middle. Humanity was created in the perfection of the Garden of Eden and we are headed for the perfection of Heaven. Yet here we are walking—today—in this broken world.
We walk through life learning lessons and healing from hurts. I do believe there are some things we overcome completely…but then there are some that seem to be more of an ongoing wrestle. A slow growth. We learn to manage them better but do they ever stop knocking on our door? That I’m unsure of.
The more God pushes me out of my little protective box and asks me to share vulnerably the easier it becomes because my confidence and security in the Spirit grows…but the loops that fill my brain don’t go away. “Your a failure…what you just said was the wrong thing to say. Just retreat. Hide.” It’s a loop that’s sometimes worse than others.
I keep asking God to take away the doubts, but He hasn’t. Instead of despising the struggle, as hard as it is, I have come to look at it a bit different. I’ve come to see the words God gives me as my light. The light I’m called to shine. But at times that light terrifies me and I want to hide it. Maybe I am afraid of what I will see with it, maybe I am afraid of what others will see with it. Whatever the reason, at times, hiding it seems like the safest play.
However, if I retreat and hide that light… darkness wins. So when I doubt and wrestle and want to retreat I pause and imagine myself holding the light up high over my head.
Not in a typical victory kind of way though.
When I think of victory an image comes to mind: Someone standing in complete light showing off their bulging muscles with a very confident smile radiating from their face. I don’t know about you, but often that’s far from how I feel. Does that mean I am not a victor in Christ?
No. I think the more accurate picture of what it looks like to be a victor in Christ is this: A person standing in the dark, eyes squeezed closed in fear, trembling hands raised over their head holding a candle. As I type that, I worry if that picture may depress some. If so I am sorry, but for me it gives me a bit more confidence. That I don’t have to have it all neat and tidy to be a victor. I just have to be brave enough to not hide my candle. I think victory looks more like standing in the dark refusing to hide the little candle that’s flickering and illuminating a tiny area.
That darker part of me says what’s the point of your tiny candle? Satan wants us each to believe our tiny candle doesn’t really make too much of a difference so it sounds safer to hide it. Easier perhaps. And there is partial reality in that thought. Like many of the things satan taunts us with, there is a skim of truth, but it’s not the full truth. Enough to pull us in, not enough to hold merit.
One candle does dispel some darkness–not much, but some. What happens when lots of people get in a dark room with a candle though? All of the sudden there is a lot more light and a lot less darkness. What if we stopped waiting for a day that our lives aren’t perfect and mess free and instead held our light up–timidly or not–and said I will not hide my light? Together, each one of us brave enough to shine the candle God has given us can create a lot of light.
As cliche as it sounds, there really is power in shining our little light. Wading through the mess together, holding our candles high is victory in Jesus.
