We used my Grandma’s name for Nyah’s middle name. My Grandma Price has always been a really special lady to me. Little did I know just how impactful the simple act of a middle name would be.
In the early weeks of Nyah’s life, she had colic and constantly needed held. Yes… even at night. As a nation we were also going through the worst part of the Covid-19 virus. Locked up in quarantine with a screaming child and two other young kiddos, anxiety and “poor me”, ramped up. I was fearful of Loren getting covid then not being able to help out at all. I was also feeling sorry for myself that I was left alone all day to do nothing but hold an angry baby and fight off mom guilt.
One evening I was folding laundry while Loren held the (angry) baby. As I folded, I listened to a friend’s podcast. In it she talked about World War II and how it can help us have a better perspective on covid today. It got me thinking. My Grandparents married young, she was 17. Their hasty marriage was an effort to keep my Grandpa from getting drafted. He ended up drafted anyway. She had her first baby while he was overseas fighting. She birthed that baby without her husbands loving support, she brought him home without her husbands help. All the while not even knowing if he would come home at all.
He did eventually come home, but he was a different man; a broken man. A very different man than she married. As I looked at my angry baby– bearing the middle name of a lady I loved so much– my perspective changed. If my Grandma, who endured much more than I had while maintaining a joyful attitude, so could I.
My Grandma, who has been in heaven for years, left a legacy of strength, joy, love, and faithfulness. God in His kindness gave me a child with her middle name to remind me just in the exact moment I needed it of His power, goodness, and love.
During the days of Nyah’s anger, I was able to do “nothing”. I wrestled with feeling that I had no value if I was not accomplishing or succeeding in mans eyes. There was sticky food under the table, toys everywhere, dust on the furniture. All glaring “proof” to me that my lack of work proved I wasn’t valuable. As Nyah became less fussy and grew into a happy baby, I began to find more time on my hands.
The overwhelming need to produce to prove my worth continued to consume me. I struggled to believe that God loved AND liked me for who I am. When you build your life around the approval of people, letting go of proving your worth is hard to shake. As the war continued, God began laying on my heart: learn to love.
Learn to love.
Sounds good, but I very much want to be successful. I mean shouldn’t Christians automatically be able to love? I thought I needed to earn love, not learn to love. Wouldn’t being successful in the eyes of people achieve both?
Enter my Grandma again. One day as I was wrestling with the purpose of life and the value of cultures view of success it hit me. My Grandma never did anything “huge” in man’s eyes. Instead she lived a faithful steady life. Looking back at my time with her, I honestly don’t really remember what she “did” but I vividly remember her love. I remember our relationship. I remember her joy and positive outlook on life. Her laughter, her selflessness, her compassion. I remember the way she made me feel valued and important. I could be myself, I could be free when I was with her. I honestly didn’t care what she did, I cared how she made me feel.
She loved me without a doubt. I remember that.
And in that moment, again, staring at the face of the one bearing my Grandma’s name, it became more than a truth I knew, it became a feeling. I wanted to leave that legacy. I didn’t want everyone around me appreciate my success but never feel loved by me. I wanted, instead, to leave a legacy of love and character first. Our value doesn’t come from the applause of others, it comes from a heart overflowing with the fruits of the Spirit. It doesn’t come from productivity and accomplishing big things, it comes from the courage to step back, let go of the tight grip of control and trust God to build a legacy as we continually align our hearts with His character.
He doesn’t need me to accomplish work for Him, He spoke the entire world into existence with His words. I believe He wants each one of us to see the incredible value we are to Him as we abide in Him and HE produces the fruits. Whatever is in our hearts will pour out (Proverbs 4:21, Luke 6:45). Our character in God’s eyes is far more important than our success in mans eyes.
When we surrender our hearts to God, when we care more about character than cultures definition of value and success God builds a strong legacy with our life. When we trust His work through us as far more powerful than our work for Him we leave an impact on exactly the people we are meant to leave an impact on. And honestly, we will probably earn love organically by simply loving people.
My Grandma left an impact on me. She is still leaving an impact on me through my sweet daughter, named just right, born at exactly the right time to teach me divine lessons.
Only God can orchestrate that. The perfect timing, the memorial of a name, and the perfect circumstances to all fall into place. Only God could take a life that had no huge earthly fame and create a legacy that keeps on going for generations. All because one person chose to believe that character was more important than culture.
One person who chose to live a joyful life deeply dripping with love, despite hard circumstances. Only God can intimately knit all these moments and happenings together into one big beautiful picture. He is so kind. And He is constantly blessing us with beautiful reminders of His kindness and love each day if we are willing to see it.
We are here for a relationship with God and with people. When we love God and love people fully, without care how it will play out–success or not– we will leave a strong legacy. We will begin to see our value separated from our success. We will be able to live freely trusting God to use our small lives in exactly the way He sees fit. We will be able to let go of control because the One who is in control can work out the details in a far more beautiful way than we could ever have imagined.
