“Nobody loves me!”
My four year old dramatically stuck out her bottom lip, crossed her arms and stomped to her room. I inwardly sighed and rolled my eyes. How often did this drama need to happen? It felt far too often for me. I followed her to her room yet again to comfort her and reassure her that she was loved… but I was getting quite annoyed at these episodes.
In my mind there was no question that she was loved. It was absurd, silly, a waste of breathe to even say. Yet, on her last episode of woe is me, it hit me…I am guilty of this very thing. While I don’t stomp my feet, stick out my lip, and cross my arms in a dramatic fashion I react this way deep down when I am triggered….just as she does. I get grumpy, my mind brews on lies…the words are unsaid, but stench from these lies seeps out through my sour face and short snaps. I know intellectually I am loved but somehow triggers can send truth tumbling down like dominos, leaving my feelings to reign. And the truth is… left unchecked my feelings can often say “Nobody Loves me.”
It feels silly when a child does it, I want her to stop; to simply get over it. However, her feelings and doubts are just as real as mine are at times. The manifestation of them is way more direct and childish. How ironic that many of the things our kids do that annoy us so badly is just an exposed version of our innermost being. When I think deeply about that, it is half funny and half humbling.
As this understanding dawned on me, another one came too. Just as it feels annoying to follow my daughter and reassure her of truth, I get tired of constantly dwelling on truth in my own life. It feels easier to let the dominos lie instead of building them back up….again. I mean, its alot of work to stack them things up when you know another trigger will topple them over again. Yet, living in lies is far more damaging, no matter how much easier it seems at times.
It is my daugthers choice to believe she is loved when I tell her she is….even if her feelings don’t follow. It is my choice to build back up those barriers of truth in my heart….even if my feelings don’t follow. The thing is, the more dominos we push back up inside our hearts, the more our feelings will begin to follow. Yes, it is alot of work to dwell in the the truth. It’s not human nature, but we were designed for truth. Truth is what will set us free, not feelings. It is a-lot of work to believe the truth when our feelings say otherwise, but freedom is worth fighting for.
