I am no stranger to the miles traveled down dark highways at night. Infact, some of my earliest memories of traveling is snuggled up to my older brother in the back seat of our old van. Seats laid flat, no seatbelts. The darkness, the hum of the tires rolling along the road was a gentle lullaby. The frequent trips from Indiana to Illinois to see family are vivid memories. As I grew, so did my travel. Traveling a couple hours to another town in Indiana to see friends. Traveling to Iowa to see my boyfriend (now husband). Then moving to Iowa for college. Of course then the trips from Iowa to Indiana were the new norm. I have always enjoyed the miles traveled.
Until early in our marriage. I vividly remember driving home from Iowa on night staring into brightly lit houses. The glow from the houses illuminated the dark. It drew me in. I remembered thinking, I wonder if they are happy. They look happy. That night the dark highway stretch was no longer my friend. It was not a gentle lullaby, more like a deep ache of loneliness. That ache made me wonder where that old childhood comfort and contentment was.
Life has a way of harding one. As we grow, so do hurts and trials. When we are little it’s our parents job to make everything better. It’s their job to take care of all our needs. But as we graduate to independence we realize its alot harder than it looks. I went from the warmth and safety of my parents to a world of unknowns. Instead of the wonder and rest of now, I was consumed with the what-if’s of the future.
As I stared at the light radiating from those houses on that dark stretch of highway I felt as if I was constantly running and frantic. The calmness of the way those houses appeared to me beckoned me. It made me want that feeling. Whatever that feeling was. Warmth maybe? Contentment maybe? Whatever it was, I didn’t feel it. I felt anxiety and fear.
So much anxiety in fact that I remember, about a year after our first daughter was born, my husband looked at me and said, if you don’t get this anxiety under control it is going to kill you. Kill me in the fact that it was going to consume my health if I didn’t overcome it. That really woke me up. Sure I was trying to get it under-control, but utterly failing. But little by little, as I earnestly sought God, He gently taught me lessons. My mind was so consumed with anxiety I couldn’t really grasp gratitude. The what-if’s overshadowned the “what is now’s”.
Today, Independence day for America, as I was doing dishes I thought about fears I have about our Country. I thought about all the comforts we have. I thought about what I have been reading in Isaiah these past couple days:
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3 ESV
“Lord, You will establish peace for us…” Isaiah 26:12 NKJV
“My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, In secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, Though hail comes down on the forest, And the city is brought low in humiliation.” Isaiah 32:18-19 NKJV (emphasis mine).
Standing in the kitchen this morning, thinking about that dark highway, thinking about how far God has brought me through anxiety, and thinking about fears that I have today, I realized God has led me to this resting place. I have found those feelings of light and warmth radiating out into the dark night. It had nothing to do with my circumstances and nothing to do with security of the future. It has everything to do with God. It has everything to do with my gratitude for the right now. It has everything to do with me peeling back the layers of fear and anxiety to get to the heart of my fears. It has everything to do with allowing God to fill me with His peace, by fixing my mind on Him.
There is a healthy process to try to bring change, to bring light in the darkness and it has nothing to do with ruminating on all the what-ifs. When I catch myself ruminating on what-ifs, I find my anxiety spiking. But when I pull myself back and fix my mind on God, my peace amidst the hail and trials all around, I remember His goodness. I remember His kindness. I remember He is my entire hope. My hope is not in a nation. It is not in perfect circumstances, it is in Jesus Christ. When I am firmly rooted in this hope as my peace and strength, I can then tune into the Spirits leading to show me how to brighten the tiny corner of the world I inhabit.
When I focus on the what-is instead of the what-ifs, I see my beautiful healthy newborn daughter and wonder at the miracle of new life. I see so many blessings. I marvel as God’s creation. I marvel at God’s presence all around and I believe, God is good. When I pause and rest in Him, I see how He is, and has always faithfully been so kind and patient with me. When I contemplate all these things, I am filled with peace. I am filled with faith that no matter what the future holds, I have peace. I am filled with gratitude over what I have and I sing a new song. My life sings of rest and light. I have God to thank for this. I don’t get it right all the time, but I pray that more often than not, my life shines like the warm glow of a house on a dark highway.
As I think about America and it’s Independence, I pray that today, we can all pause and remember all the blessings we have. I pray we can each ask God to keep our minds fixed on Him, not the darkness. I pray that as we turn to Him with our gaze again and again He will be gracious to us and extend mercy. I pray that we can can trade anxiety and fear over what-ifs, for gratitude for the what is. Because of this peace we have in Jesus, I pray that our little corner of the world is a light in the darkness.
Happy Independence day my fellow American’s, shine bright today and everyday. Rest in God’s peace and pray for His guidance each day.
“Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you;
And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
Blessed are all those who wait for Him.” -Isaiah 30:18
