Life is quite messy if I don’t say so myself. I tend to find myself trying to figure it all out. I want black and white, cut and dry, lines in the sand. I want clear do’s and don’ts. I have always been this way, but with kids this tendency is only magnified.
Just like that, 5 years ago I was entrusted with a tiny baby girl. Not only did I now need to keep a human alive, I had to nurture her. Being the responsible mom I am (is there a font for sarcasm?), I set out to find those lines in the sand. I wanted to know I was doing this thing right. I read all the books, I did all the things.
Expect in reality I couldn’t.
I tried so hard, but if I was doing one thing (like give her a paci) my mind was on all the other articles that said don’t give her a paci. With each child I seem to get a bit better about sorting all the data out and laying off all the advice, but it is still there.
It is like a war. A war inside my heart that rages over what is the best way. I want to make the right choices. This battle didn’t stay in my mind and heart. No it spilled into each of my cells– making me more tense than a completely wound up jack in the box. What happens to a completely wounded jack in the box? Pop.
Sure, I would go long stretches of time maintaining calm and doing the christian things like pray and step back. However, you can’t expect to wind something up and continue at it without it popping at some point.
Pop. Out of the box I sprang. Over and over. I began hating myself for it. I regretted handling my tension the way I did but I didn’t know how to stop. I wanted to be the best mom I could possibly be, but instead of a reward for all my efforts to make the perfect decision, I popped. I think the thing that makes me pop is the feeling that I will never get there. Wherever there is.
It’s never enough. So I pop. And then I hate myself. So I pick myself off the floor and squish myself back into my box. After a while I began to crank that handle. The handle of all the info. The handle of how to be a perfect mom. I crank and I crank and I stop for a second to pray and then I start cranking again and you know the ending….
The more turns around the earth I make, the more I am realizing that perfect decisions, the black and whilte lines in the sand mentality will never be a reality. I crank the handle because I don’t want that fact to be true. But the handle only leads to my popping. How will I ever be enough? How will I find rest and believe I don’t have to get it all figured out? How can I stop popping?
The other day I was putting the baby down for a nap. She had yawned so I pulled out the file in my brain on babies and sleep. All the things came. Don’t let them get up if they only sleep for 30 minutes. Make sure you put them to sleep in the “window” of opportunity or they will get overtired. Look for sleep cues so you don’t miss the opportunity. In a split second I think I covered more data than a year’s worth of research. It all cranked the guilt handle more than her precious smile soothed my soul. Instead of continuing to crank and process all the choices I found myself singing this to her instead:
“I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know that I love you.”
I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know what prompted the tune I seemed to pull out of my hat, but I do know it struck some serious emotions in me. It diffused some tension from that previous crank. Can you backtrack a jack in the box? If so that little phrase did it for me. As I sang it over and over to her, I a few Bible verses popped into my mind:
“We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God….God is love” 1 John 4:7-8 ESV (emphasis mine)
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 8:8 ESV
Maybe the answer to all my questions is simply to love. In God I am enough. God IS love and He is enough. Love is messy. There are no black and white lines. There are no instruction manuals– but there is God. Instead of getting wrapped up in perfect decisions, I can get wrapped up in God. Each moment I choose to build my relationship with Him is a moment I know Him more. The more I know Him the clearer my instructions from Him will be. As I get to know Him (LOVE), I will get to know my unique path, my unique decisions. As I get to know Him more I will love like Him. As I begin to love like Him– truly like Him– not love from a human standpoint, I will win the war. When I stop worrying about all the things I should and shouldn’t be doing from the experts’ opinions, I can tap into the Spirit for guidance.
Sure, it’s great to get knowledge, but wisdom is the application of knowledge. Wisdom comes from taking that knowledge to God and trusting your relationship with Him to teach you how to apply it to your unique situation.
This is freedom. As I look to Him, as I listen for that gut feeling deep, deep down that tends to get smothered by all the advice, I take small steps toward love. I begin making decisions fueled by love, not perfection. I begin trusting the One who created me and knows exactly how to teach me and love me. As I trust His love more than my own logic I can reflect that love to my sweet children.
I like hard lines. I like them so much, but I am learning there is so much more freedom in love. In trusting God. It requires me to lean on Him all day long and I think that’s what He likes. He likes me needing Him. He likes to share His love with me. He wants to guide me. Even though hard lines feel safer, love is the answer. Love will win, it will conquer sin. Because God is love and Jesus conquered sin and death. When I trust love instead of the correct decision, I live out that belief. It’s harder, but it’s so much better. The yoke is lighter and there is abundance and freedom in my heart. The battle lets up and peace enters my heart. The crank stops turning and I stay inside my box. The box I am designed to stay inside. Love. God.
My daughter only slept for 30 min after I laid her down while singing my newly created parenting anthem. I don’t know if I made the right sleep decision. I know she was tired and ready for a nap soon after that. So mostly likely I did not make the right decision. But you know what? I am done cranking the guilt handle that leads to the inevitable pop. Instead I am choosing to chant: I don’t know what I am doing, but I do know that I love you. I don’t know what I am doing but God does. I love her and I am in Jesus so I am in love. I choose to hope that I am doing the best I know how to and love will fill in where I lack. Love is enough. God is enough.
And you know what? It was fine. If I did make a wrong sleep decision it still worked out. What I am doing is working for us. I am learning to not let expectations outlined for someone else become mine. I am learning to live within the boundaries of God’s love. I know I will mess up. I will still crank that handle, but it will be slower. Maybe someday I will learn how to stop cranking the handle all together, but for today I can rest in this small lesson. I can hang onto it and praise God for His love.
