There is something about our culture that subtly (or not so subtly) says kids arn’t as valuable as adults. I always thought it was our culture, but maybe it isn’t so much culture as brokenness from the fall.
I see this back in Jesus’ time when children were brought to Him. The disciples rebuked the people for bringing Jesus their children. I can almost read their thoughts we can’t let these loud, needy, uncultured tiny humans make Jesus’ day unproductive.When I read this happening in the gospels, I get the feel the disciples thought the children were a hindrance to Jesus. Maybe they too thought kids weren’t as valuable as adults…..kind of the feel I get from today’s culture. No need to bother Jesus with them. In today’s lingo, I don’t want my good work for Jesus to be hindered by them.
What was Jesus’s reaction to this? In ESV in Mark it says he was indignant.
Let’s pause here to read the Webster 1828’s definition of indignant: “Affected at once with anger and disdain; feeling the mingled emotions of wrath and scorn or contempt, as when a person is exasperated at one despised, or by a mean action, or by the charge of a dishonorable act.”
This wasn’t a light emotion Jesus had. Probably similar to my typical emotion when my kids interrupt my important work. Sigh.
I was talking to a mom whose kids I really admire. I was asking her about her focus points in raising them. In our conversation one thing she said really struck me. She said “I always told my kids, I choose you. I choose you over everything else.” She went on to say she never wanted them to feel like something or someone else was more important. Not only was it good for her kids to hear that, it also was a needed reminder for her when she felt not enough in outside ministries.
It isn’t that ministry isn’t important or that our kids are more important than other kids. I think what God really laid on my heart after that conversation was the fact that I have for sure been given my kids. Everyone is equal in God’s eyes. However, if I run around frantically trying to serve others at the expense of my own kids, or do things for a good reason at the expense of my own kids, they are going to grow up believing that something or someone else is more important than them.
The world is going to tell my kids that they have to perform to be chosen. They are going to learn that culture deems some people more valuable than others. It’s just the fact of this broken world, and I can’t change that. What I can do however is choose my children. Because I believe that everyone is equal I can stop believing other people are a more important use of my time, and instead I can intentionally choose the people I know for sure God has given me–my kids and my husband. I can choose them despite them, I choose them when I would rather choose something else, and I can choose them even when its hard to choose them.
The irony of culture’s (or broken humanity’s) message of kids not being as valuable as adults (we need to help adults) is the fact that one day our kids will become adults.
If we as parents overlook choosing them as kids, will they ever feel chosen as adults? Sure they will get chosen by passing people at different stages, at different times, but I believe the model of the deep Christ-like-level of being chosen belongs to the parents.
Now that I see clearly the importance of intentionally choosing my children, I want to know what that looks like. My mind instantly goes to wanting this to be black and white. Does it mean not working outside the home? Does it mean homeschooling? Does it mean feeding them all organic. You know….all the controversial things in the mom circles. What does that look like? I want to know so I don’t get this wrong.
But I don’t think it is a black and white answer. I think it is much more simple and complex than that– all at the same time.
I think the blurry/clear answer is this:
You are intentionally choosing your kids when you lay down what you simply want (or something you think is good) in the name of the well being of your child. When you choose what is good for them, not what is necessarily easy for you. You are intentionally choosing your kids when you place loving God, abiding in Him, and obeying His direction and call in the deep recesses of your heart–even if logic says otherwise.
This isn’t a list, or a perfect science. No it is a relationship with God. Then a courage to live out what the Spirit is breathing on your heart. That is what makes it so easy and so hard all at the same time. And I don’t mean hard because its hard to understand what God is asking of us, but hard because it doesn’t always line up with what we think it should. So we doubt, and worry, we try to make other people our Holy Spirit, or we make choices opposite of what we know deep down we should do. Because it just doesn’t make sense so I must be crazy, we reason.
Then I go back to Proverbs 3– Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. (Emphasis mine).
As we continually commit our way to Him, acknowledge Him, and look for Him we will begin to see Him all around. This process isn’t a one and done thing. It’s a sanctifying growth (growing pains included) of constantly choosing to keep seeking Him even when we don’t feel like it; when it doesn’t feel good and rosy and filled with rainbows. It’s a continued trust and faith that He is directing our paths even if we can’t see where that path is going.
Here are a few examples from my own life:
I choose my kids when I take time to feed into my soul. When I abide in Christ each morning, drinking deeply from His word– I change. When I journal and have spiritual conversations with people, my soul grows. I choose my kids when I let God sanctify me, when I choose not to be too busy for time with Him and His people.
I choose my kids when I choose to honor my husband over my own agenda. When I prioritize him as the most important person in my life. When we take time for dates nights, when we take time for each other each day, when we work together. When I see my husband as more important than the things I am doing. I choose my kids by choosing my husband.
I am choosing my kids by honoring the calling God has laid on my heart to homeschool. I never thought I would homeschool. God called me to homeschool, but I have to lay down my dreams of writing at the pace I want. Of serving all the places I want to serve. I have to lay down my desire to send them to school so I can have time alone during the day to do all the other things I think I should do. That time I once looked forward to, is now filled with teaching my children. I have to lay down the fear that I will fail them and be looked on as thats the reason homeschooling is bad. I choose my kids by choosing what God is asking me to do about their schooling despite my fears.
I choose my kids when I choose to honor the other calls God has on my life. While I said I laid down my writing pace, I haven’t completely stopped it. No, my kids see me go to coffee shops, they see my reading books, they see me taking my writing classes. But they don’t see me choosing it over them. There is a healthy level of them not being the center for the universe. So I choose my kids when I choose to follow the other calls God has in my life….in His pace, not mine.
Here is the catch though, this choosing thing, it isn’t just in action. It is in character. I can choose my kids in action, but if I constantly talk to them in an annoyed voice or blame them for things, they will not believe they are chosen by me no matter how many of my actions say I choose them. This isn’t talking about perfection. We will not be perfect moms just as we are not perfect people. For me this means how is my character toward them as a whole? I will have bad days. I will be annoyed at them at times, but is my character pointing to genuinely and willingly choosing them? Or is this choice of mine more of a grudging, I should choose you?
We choose our kids when they see us making hard choices that benefit them over easy choices that benefit us.
With this definition, it really leaves room for all parents to choose their kids regardless of circumstances. This choosing our kids, it isn’t a privilege of the stay at home mom only. I see examples of this all around. For one, I believe Ben Carson’s mom chose him and his brother even though she had to work constantly to provide. She made choices to be intentional with them in the small time she had. She taught them how to read books and learn instead of gravitating toward the easier route of TV. She was positive and hopeful instead of living in a victim mentality. She chose what she could instead of wallow in what she couldn’t do for them.
As I process all of this and study how Jesus welcomed those children, I see areas in my heart that need to grow more. I am thankful He works so faithfully on us, gently leading us moms (Isaiah 40:11). I pray that I can daily do what I can to choose my children in character and action because for such is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 9:14, Mark 10:14, Luke 18:16)
