There is this theme in my life. An up and down sort of ride. Half the time I feel like I am running pretty smoothly. Life isn’t perfect or easy but it is good. Then there is the other half that I am so drained, so exhausted, and so overwhelmed I do not function well at all. Often in this latter time, I tell myself snap out of it…have more faith.
But you know what? It doesn’t work like that. Its easy to shame yourself when you can’t seem to snap out of it. However, the more I am learning about my personality, the more I am realizing so much of my problems come because I try doing things I am not internally able to do. I tell myself I should be able to do things so I keep trying and…. crashing. It seems one day I may learn my lesson!
I am slowly learning to see the things that drain me. Like a cell phone battery gets drained and needs plugged back in. So it is with our internal needs. We all have them and they are all different. Some more obvious, others less noticeable. Some more culturally accepted…others not so much. Mine is more noticeable…and maybe less culturally accepted in a more extroverted geared world… which is most likely why I resist it so.
I need margin and alone time in my life. If I try to live like an extrovert who doesn’t need the amount of alone time I need, I crash. I am not quite a dead battery, more like 1%. You know it functions but the screen shuts down after a split second of being open because it is on energy saver? Yeah, basically that is me, running on fumes. I shut down easily. No matter how much I try and tell myself, have more faith.
Now I am not here to say God isn’t working and sustaining me. He is, of that I know full well. Instead what I am saying is instead of only taking on faith in the back end to sustain me and help me function out of survival mode, I need to start taking steps of faith on the front end.
That looks like honoring who He made me and building in that essential re-charge time I need. It means saying no to things I know will drain me even if they are good things. Even if other people can handle them. Even if I worry am a weakling and wish I could be more. Faith on the front end says “God I trust the way you made me. I believe if I honor that, I can still be used for You. I will not be a hindrance to my family but a blessing”. Faith on the front end stops comparing myself to other people and starts to say God I trust You will use this life You have crafted, this way You have made me, and these things You have called me to do for good…even if I don’t see how.
How about you? Do you find yourself taking steps of faith on the front end or only tacking on faith at the back end? I am realizing that I heavily lean toward faith in the back, but I believe both are essential. Life consists of doing both well.
