In Jennie Allen’s book Get Out of Your Head she makes the comment that most of us are afraid to be quiet because we are afraid of what we will hear in the quiet. Recently two of my friends also read that book. They both made a comment to me about it. The first time it was mentioned I said that part didn’t really resonate with me. I love quiet time. In fact, bring it on, I want to know areas I need to work on. The second time it was mentioned it caught my attention. It was almost as if God was like, I am not sure you got it the first time…you need to hear this. So He sent another messenger my way to wake me up. While the second mention caught my attention, I still wasn’t quite sure how it related to me.
I have walked through many different types of rejection through childhood-teen years. This past year opened my eyes to just how embedded my fear of rejection is. This fear is rooted in the rejection of people, but it spilled over into a fear of being rejected by God as well. All this is not something I verbalize daily. It has been planted deep in my soul. It’s like the wind, unseen, but making me sway in a certain way. It is there influencing choices I make. It is festering deep in my soul.
As my age increased, so did the feeling that I needed to work; to do something to feel valuable. And that is when it hit me, I may not be afraid of my daily quiet time, but I am afraid of a quiet life. I am afraid to let go of all the things I think I should do because when exposed, they are my effort to prove that my life holds meaning. A frantic push to prove that I do bring value. It is like I am trying to live in a way that says “here I am, I promise I matter and have meaning, that I am not just a mess up, a waste of space”.
Looking back, I see it, I have had this pull to be quiet, to live quietly. But the voice of culture, the past voices still echo in my head. They outweigh the still small voice calling me to rest. To trust. To say no to all obligations and yes to resting in God. To learn from Him what I am to say yes to. To learn who I am and what gifts He wants me to use. To learn what truth He has for me and my life. To stop living in fear that I am making the wrong decision. To be scraped bare so I can see who I really am.
I have never fully given in to this still small voice, because I am afraid. Deep down, I am afraid of who I will find. Deep down I don’t believe it will be good enough. I know all the scripture, I know all the truth that in Christ we are enough. We are chosen. I preach it to you all. But deep down in my heart I fear that I am the exception even though in my mind I know that is false.
I am afraid that if I live a quiet life there will be proof I am not valuable. That in fact, my being doesn’t hold meaning.
I was listening to a podcast by Emily Freeman where she quoted a friend. She was in the middle of making a decision and he told her this: Whatever reason you use to make a decision, don’t let fear be one of them.”
Fear is my reason I have resisted living a quiet life. I can’t let fear hold me back anymore. I have to step back and live a year of simply being, simply resting in God. A year where I have no obligations, no deadlines. Nothing. Just simply resting in His guidance and beauty. A year where I can look at my newborn daughter and rock her to sleep without the guilt that I should be doing something else. A year where I can take my kids outside without worrying about the work I need to be doing inside. A year where I can look at the people that God puts in front of me and really see them. A year where I can simply write without the pressure of performance. A year to rest quietly in God and open my hands completely to Him.
This isn’t something that I have randomly decided. This is something God has been gently calling me to for a couple years. I got out of sewing bridal attire because I heard this quiet beckon. But in my fear I jumped back into writing studies on a deadline. I have wrestled with what I am supposed to do with my writing. As I have slowly been learning, I know Hello Jesus is something God has called me to. It just may look a bit different than I envisioned myself.
Through all of the things I have pursued, this question never left me: “is it ok to do nothing?” I need to listen, I need to listen now. Truly, fully. For one year, I need to dedicate myself to a quiet life. A year of rest. This is something I have been taking slow steps toward, but I now see I need to take the final step. This is possibly the scariest step, a full year committed to no deadlines or set in stone obligations. I need to fully surrender to this gentle call.
Maybe just maybe the fears that we carry. The things that take up our head space and fuel our anxiety, the things that unconsciously drive our decisions, maybe they need to be faced head on. Maybe the things that we fear most are actually the catalyst of our healing.
With that being said Hello Jesus will carry on very similar to before. You know, when God wants something, there isn’t anything that is stopping it. Trudie and I feel that is the case for Hello Jesus. We were planning on pausing the in-depth studies for a year, but God intervened. We have someone willing to take my place in packaging all the studies.
Ladies, God is trustworthy. He is so good. There may not be blog posts to go with the studies, but I plan to write on the blog. I need to write for myself. I need to sort things out in my mind. To be honest I have been scared to completely let my guard down and write what flows. I am afraid of rejection. For my writing to not be “good enough.” But it’s time. It’s time for me to just write on my blog, even if no one reads it. I have no logic planned for my posts, they will be random lessons God is teaching me. If you are touched by it, score! If not, I know this is for me, the quietness. The slow trust that I am valuable to God even if I am “doing nothing”. I am excited to see what this adventure brings!
