A New Rhythm

As long as I can remember in parenthood, I have lived to the rhythm of rush. 

I have always resisted a life full of plans. Busy does not suit me well. Living in Illinois, smack in the middle of both our parents we don’t have the day to day family things, but we have family passing by a lot on weekends. Between family and friends, that is enough busy for me. While I was good at setting boundaries around the busyness of plans, deep in my gut I knew there was more. I was still weary, still impatient with my kids. Why? I try to guard our time so fiercely, I wondered why was still rushed and overwhelmed. Why do I find myself saying HURRY UP so often? 

As I have surrendered to the quiet life for one year, I have found my answer. This habitual rhythm of rush was not born out of plans alone, but out of things. Things to do. Things to take care of. Things have strangled the air out of me leaving me gasping and panting like I just ran a marathon; untrained might I add. Regrettingly, I see the light has dimmed in my first born’s eyes. The light that I may have stifled with my rush and overwhelm. I see her push my middle out of the way in pursuit of something she NEEDS TO DO. No need to wait her turn to get dressed. No, she rushes in and whips open the drawer pinching her sister’s fingers in the process of rush. And I feel it, the realization that I have trained her to do this.

Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but I don’t think so. Children really do learn by what they see us do. I know I have shoved aside her little heart in the rush to do. I hate that thought, but I know deep down it is true. If any of this is resonating with you, let’s continue to process this together.

The problem of plans:

As I have said, I don’t necessarily struggle with this one. As an introvert, I just need my alone time. So when covid hit and quarantine happened, my life wasn’t really upended much. Our plans did go down significantly, but not to the extent of others around me. I am not going to lie, I didn’t mind it one bit. Like I said, I like minimal plans. To get a better feel for an extroverts perspective I reached out to my friend. She had mentioned she enjoyed quarantine because she felt she was a better mom not rushing around doing it all. I asked her from an extroverted perspective how she can do less plans but still feel recharged. This is what she said: 

“I totally get more overwhelmed with lots of plans since quarantine.  Maybe I get overwhelmed because once we started having plans again I realized how much easier it was not to go anywhere. There were no pressures for me to get my kids looking socially acceptable and get all the “stuff” needed to get out the door. I love being with other people and having lots of things to do, but I am now realizing how not nice that makes me sometimes with my kids (ex: if I’m not organized enough I’m yelling at them to get out the door because we are running late). And I totally see my hurried and stressed out attitude rub off on them. Now they act like that too.  I’m not sure why I’m more ok now with not having as many plans. Maybe it’s because my kids are getting older and easier to be around (like they are actually kind of fun to talk to now)? Or maybe I’m just realizing the stress isn’t worth it and I’m just more ok with being home more now. Although I feel myself falling back into our busy life like before.

Or maybe it’s because I have so many kids now and they fill me up with all sorts of social interaction throughout the day, so having alone time is totally necessary for me to have now! Haha!”

The problem of things to do: 

Oh how there is ALWAYS something to do. My daily to-do list feels longer than an Aldi receipt. The problem is not in the things to do, but the expectations I hold myself to. These expectations do not align with my capacity. I find myself expecting to get done what I am physically unable to get done. By the end of the day I am usually exhausted and angry at myself for not getting a few more things done. The feeling of failure is real. However, I am coming to realize, what I get done isn’t the important thing. The important thing is how I love. I am learning God doesn’t want my stuff, my work, my abilities. He wants my availability. He wants my character and love. If I can’t maintain patience with my kids as I do something, maybe that’s a signal it doesn’t need to get done. If I am pushing my kids around all day in a rush to do do do, I am not loving them well. In the end, their tiny heart is so much more important than all the stuff I think I need to accomplish. So here are a few things that I am learning to help me overcome this pressure to do. 

1. I don’t have to do it all. No really, it’s ok if I don’t. I am learning to release all the unreal expectations. I place far too many expectations on myself. That quarterly goal guide in my planner sitting unfilled out beckons me. The guilt of doing simple iphone pictures of my youngest daughters month updates instead of my DSL camera is real. There are endless things like this that call out to me. My to-do list is filled with things I want to do, not necessarily need to do. I want to have a to-do list that is all crossed out. But, I can’t. I have to let things go. I don’t need to fill out that planner goal sheet at this stage of my life. I don’t need to have DSL pictures to have beautiful memories captured. As each day goes by, I can process what is necessary and what can go. It is ok to let go of things you want to do, but know you can’t during a current stage. 
2. Set boundaries around the things I do need to do, without guilt. There are things that do need to be done. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. It all has to be done, so I need to let go of the guilt of setting boundaries around getting them done. I tend to feel guilty if my kids want to go do something fun, but I need to get something done. Often I either give into them or do my job angrily– not in love. I need to let go of guilt and do what needs to be done. My kids may not understand (or if you don’t have kids, other people), but God does and it will be ok. 
3. Life is a stage. Before I know it my kids will be gone. I will have much more time. I will be able to fill out my planners in their entirety. But until then, I pull the beauty and joy from this stage. Life will never be fully easy, so wishing for another stage will not bring ease when it arrives. Something will always be hard. So instead of focusing on the hard, we can focus on the beauty and gratitude of the moment we are in. Instead of anxiously waiting for the next stage I can fix my gaze on the ultimate reward, the big picture– Heaven. In Heaven our joy will be complete and our burdens will be gone. I think of some lyrics by one of my favorite songs as I think about life having stages: 

The problem with Things

Things have a way to make me feel smothered. When there is clutter, when I can’t fit the glass I use every single day into the cabinet, I feel anxiety creep in. Visual clutter and the inability to have everything have a place creates clutter in my heart. I shove it down though, like what’s the big deal? But there comes a breaking point. A point where I go a little nuts and rummage through the house like a crazy person spewing words like “I am getting rid of it all, it’s all getting donated!” 

I always chicken out in the process, but during these crazy lady moments, I have thinned out some of our stuff. Each time, I am a bit worried and tell myself I should hold on to something. But each time I clear it all out I feel refreshed. And you know what? A couple months later, no one misses the stuff I donated. Each time, I feel a bit more confident. Each time I feel I can breathe easier. You see, I really think the more I do this, the more I realize less is more in the end. If we are really honest we only use about 50% of all the stuff we have stored places. We have our favorite things that we use over and over again and then we have the things we use once a year and keep just in case. I have found when I get rid of those things, I don’t miss them and I breathe much better. I have room, I have space. 

Trading a rhythm of rush for a rhythm of relish. 

I think my friend said it best, when she said  “it just may not be worth it”. The extra plans, the extra things on our to do list, the extra stuff, it just isn’t worth it if we push aside people in the rush to do all the things. We were created for relationships, we were not created for stuff. I am finding my new rhythm. This rhythm means thinning down my plans, to do’s, and things. It means thinning it all down until all that’s left is worth it. I think we each have our own rhythm that works for us. The key is in finding it. My rhythm may be slower than yours, and that’s ok. When our rhythm is too rushed for love, it is too fast. It is scary to scrape down these areas, it may be uncomfortable, but I am finding when I actually do it, life gets way more radiant. I can enjoy this one life I am given in the way I believe God intended. I think I am going to really love this rhythm of relish. I don’t think I will miss the rhythm of rush one bit.