There is a certain kind of chaos that comes with motherhood. First there is the physical chaos. The sweet potatoes in the hair. The spilled milk. The she said- (s)he said bickering. The “THAT’S MY DOLL”. The cassette tape that has the film pulled from it…again. The time you just want to sit down for a minute or two without being needed. The mess and the noise. Constantly.
So you fill your days giving the baby a bath after she eats—or attempt to put on a hat from the hospital to cover her hair to avoid said bath. Baby is not happy about the situation. You tell the toddler to wipe up the spilled milk and brace yourself for the whining. You teach character lessons and administer time-outs. Daddy fixes the tape…again. You get up to help where needed because that’s what you do, you are a mom.
Then there’s the internal chaos. Six years ago this month I became a mom. I never dreamed longly of having kids. In-fact, I didn’t really like kids. I have wrestled with motherhood ever since I held that squishy little girl in my arms for the first time. I fought with the meaning, the chaos, the mundane moments. I was determined I was not going to be “just a mom”– as culture likes to portray. Deep down, I have always tried to prove myself, and I felt I would not be doing that if I focused on motherhood…I mean where what my servant heart for the lost? How will I change the world if I am fully a mom? So I tried a million different things, sewing, running a Bible study site, hospitality, seeing needs and meeting them. But I crashed, I burned out each time.
“What is wrong with me” I would cry out to God. I know God called me to each of those areas, but I couldn’t do them long term. Looking back though, I noticed something. I learned from each of them a bit about who God created me to be–and my limitations. Each of those were a calling He had placed in my heart, but I took them farther than He intended. I expected them to fill me in ways they were never meant to fill me. I hate that but I also love that. I hate it because I wish I could simply trust God with what He asks me to do–nothing more, nothing less. I wish I could be confident in His still small voice while brushing off all the “shoulds”. I want to live confidently the life He has crafted for me. On the other hand, I love it because I learned deeply the lessons I needed. Head knowledge reached deep in my heart because of the struggle, the pain, the mistakes. I look back and see how faithful, patient, and kind God has been to me. This gives me faith the pattern will continue. He will gently teach me just at the pace I need. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect and all-wise. He simply asks me to follow Him and love Him.
So here I am, six years after becoming a mom. I finally have the answer (that is right for me) to the question I have been relentlessly asking for the last six years: Is motherhood enough?” Yes, today, it is. As I ponder my journey to today and as I ponder this question, another thing bubbles up to the surface. This whole time, I knew it. I knew this was the answer for me, I just have never allowed myself to be fully live in that knowledge. I always said I didn’t enjoy motherhood, but at the same time I was committed to it because I knew it was my calling to be a full time mom. I wished longingly I was full time writer or designer. I never thought I wanted to homeschool. I used motherhood as the reason I couldn’t do my dreams. But, I am seeing, deep deep down, I actually have always wanted to be fully a mom. Ever since that day I found out I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be fully a mom. Deep down I have always loved it and desired it. But I buried it. I never allowed myself to surrender to it because I didn’t think it was enough.
It makes me sad that I spent 6 years figuring that out. Six years trying to be more than I am created to be. At this current stage I know I am called to be a homeschool mom. To love my family well and soak in and pour out words. I know I need to let down all the walls of worry and pursuit of people pleasing to simply obey and follow God. Not only do it, but enjoy it–shame and guilt free. Looking back in the past I see God’s guidance, I know I can trust His guidance today tomorrow and forever.
I surrender to the crazy. The mundane. The unseen moments. I surrender to my buried desired to enjoy motherhood. To be who God created me to be, no matter how big or little that looks to others. I surrender to the adventures and the struggles. I surrender to the good days and the bad. Motherhood will always have a certain level of chaos with it. It will change from stage to stage, but I doubt it will ever go away. I surrender to this crazy love. For not only is it a call to steward sweet souls for God, it is also a call for my own sanctification.
