I fight away so much guilt as I parent you. I have many regrets. My personality takes all the problems on myself. I hear the pain, the hurt. I want to fix it all and make it perfect. I don’t want to be the cause of any pain. Yet at times I am.
You broke into this world and made me a mom. You broke open a whole new world to me, a world of unknowns. A world of caring for another soul, a beautiful precious human. I am aware of how huge this task is and I feel utterly incapable.
This motherhood thing comes much more natural the more kids I have. The more kids I have the more I realize I can’t do this, I am in great need of God to fill in the gaps I leave. I am in great need of Him to guide me minute by minute. Because of this, I am learning to make decisions based on that small voice deep inside. However, it still comes a bit more natural to parent your sisters as they grow because I am in charted waters with them. But you sweet dear, together we are sailing in uncharted waters. Each day you grow, you teach me new things, together we fumble along this unbroken path, carving our way. While each day teaches me new things, each day brings new things. We are on an adventure, one we have never been on.
The going isn’t easy, it’s bumpy. I take this guilt on myself. Oh how I want to be the mom I am for the others for you. But I’m not, I can’t be because together we are sailing this uncharted territory. I am learning what works and what doesn’t. Sure I am learning with the other two as well. Each of you have your own personality. But it’s like traveling a path I have traveled before, there are still bumps and bruises along the way but the path is cleared. There’s some overgrowth formed. I have to chop away, but it’s a path nonetheless.
You and I are making our own path. It’s hard, it’s scary but oh my sweet girl it’s all the more rewarding. You are learning lessons to a degree the other girls will not learn. About courage, patience, forgiveness, and perseverance. And when we get to our destination it will be all the more rewarding because we will have arrived first. We will discover the hidden treasure together before either of your siblings get there.
You and me sweet girl, we have a bond. A bond that will be stronger than we can imagine if we don’t give up. If we link hands and allow our struggles to make us better, not bitter, we will both be all the stronger.
This path is harder and I wish I could give you a different birth order, but I can’t. I can however give you this, I love you more than you know. And all though I stumble in this journey as I hack a new path, I’m hacking. I’m not giving up. In fighting for you. I love you and that will never change.
I pray, stay this course with me sweet girl. Don’t let satan fill your head with lies. You are stronger than you know and more loved than you can imagine. Together, with Jesus as our guide, we will make it through this journey. Together stronger.
