Many people ask me how homeschooling is going. I thought it would be fun to give a very zoomed out view of my homeschooling journey thus far.
Pre homeschooling days:
I am never homeschooling.
I can’t wait until the day comes where my kids hop on the bus.
Kina: “Hey mom look a bus!” Me: Yep you get to go on that one day!”
Concerned person about the teaching material in the public school: “You are going to homeschool right?” Me: Nope.
God Calling us to Homeschool days:
Will my kids be weird?
What if can’t?
Did I hear wrong?
First Year of Homeschooling (Trial run only of course)
Searching all the curriculum. Must. Get. It. Perfect.
Must buy a box curriculum.
Is 2 hours enough for a Kindergartner? They do go all day at school. It’s probably not enough. What do I need to add?
Listening to podcast that say calm down a kindergartner needs to play, be a kid.
Listening to all the public school arguments and all the homeschool arguments. Who can I possibly believe? I mean why would either one side with the other, how do I KNOW.
Talking to all (I mean ALL) the homeschool moms.
Having multiple conversations with the husband about this weird new place we found ourselves in. Desperately trying to convince myself I wasn’t crazy and constantly obsessing that he really wasn’t on board.
A year of rambling on to the cashier at Target about how my daughter isn’t in school yet because she missed the cut off because I was really too ashamed to tell her I chose to homeschool. I still had a year until I had to say the dreaded word homeschool.
Making a pros and cons list….10 times.
Back and forth I can’t do this to I LOVE THIS.
Over and over again God clearly showing me personally what He is asking me to do.
Pressing down so hard on Kina to LEARN because of the pressure I felt pressing on my chest. I couldn’t fail…then homeschooling would be to blame.
Phew, the first year was EXHAUSTING. I about threw in the towel. At the very end I about enrolled her in public school during enrollment but before I could God really really confirmed that this is what I was supposed to be doing, messy mistakes and all. It was what I needed to stick with it.
Second Year of Homeschooling
I decided to back off crazy teacher obsessive analyzer mode and focus on instilling the love of learning in Kina. A love I all but burnt out the previous year.
This whole year was learning (for both of us) how to love this. How to back off and enjoy life.
How to exercise self control when all I wanted to do was eat all. the. ice cream. because she just wasn’t getting it. Or was getting it too much and getting bored. Or was manipulating me….I couldn’t tell.
A year of being settled in the calling of homeschooling but trying to wade through the value of it.
A year of wrestling through this fear that I wasn’t doing anything if I homeschooled.
A year of wondering if I was being selfish for homeschooling.
The Third Year of Homeschooling
This year has started with a peace in my soul. A true, genuine acceptance. In my heart I have settled God wants me to do this, so it is not selfish, it is my job, I am not doing nothing. I have learned a much healthier balance between going easy so my kids love learning while still making sure the necessities are well covered and learned. I am learning how to handle Kina when she acts like she doesn’t know something when I know she does. I know how to throw water on the fire that begins to burn deep in my stomach sending steam slithering up, threatening to escape from my nose, ears, and eyes.
I am beginning to believe all the positives they say about homeschooling can actually happen for my family. I am beginning to believe good things can come from this while also letting go of the blame if they don’t. The days I want to throw in the towel still come, but I am not rooted in my feelings, I am rooted in this calling God has called me to. I trust if He wants something different for my family He will let me know.
The truth is, I still don’t feel cut out for this. I sometimes tilt my head up to Heaven and squint my eyes thinking maybe if I look hard enough I can see God up there chuckling lovingly down on me; the person knee deep in homeschooling who said I will never homeschool. In this weird beautiful mess I know it is exactly where our family is meant to be. It isn’t easy but somehow it is exactly where I want to be and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know God is using it as a sanctifying work in our family. It is more than just education, it is a way of life for us. I know I have along way to go in many things in this journey, but I have a much more rooted and established faith that however it ends it will be okay because God is leading us.
Ps. I have graduated to saying with confidence–not grudgingly– to anyone who asks, we homeschool :).
